“Was this what being an older sister was like? Wanting to yell at someone most of the time but still be willing to jump in front of a car for them?”
– Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Tree of Wishes
Toddlers, in their journey of exploration and growing independence, may engage in behaviors that seem like picking fights with their siblings. When it comes to twins, triplets or quads, these fights can get way more intense and frequent as they navigate life as part of a group act they're born into. While their actions are often driven by a combination of curiosity, a desire for attention, and limited social skills, here are some reasons why a toddler might pick a fight with siblings:
1. Attention Seeking:
Toddlers crave attention, and if they feel ignored or overlooked, they might resort to disruptive behavior, including picking fights, to capture the spotlight. This can be particularly true for children in large families, or are part of multiples. To be honest, as parents of multiples, we don’t have much bandwidth to give each child lots of individual attention. What we find helpful though is to offer extra cuddles and whispers of love and affirmation individually throughout the day.
"I’ve found that while we can do many things together, it is necessary to have one-to-one dates with each child – it really fills up their love tank and gets you connected to each child in a special way. The girls may not always say what is close to their heart in a group setting, and I’ve found that taking them out individually brings me closer to each of them and allows them to be vulnerable and candid, in a way they cannot when they are around their sisters."
– Dr Kim, mother of 3 with Irish twins in the mix, on how important it is to spend time with each child individually
2. Expressing Frustration:
Limited verbal and emotional expression skills can lead toddlers to act out physically when they feel frustrated or unable to communicate their needs effectively. During the pre-verbal stages, you can consider using images (for pointing to), gesturing or even sign language to help your children express themselves.
3. Testing Boundaries:
Toddlers are natural boundary testers. Picking fights can be a way for them to explore limits, understand rules, and figure out what is acceptable behavior within the family dynamic. Exploring safe ways for them to test boundaries may be beneficial.
4. Imitating Behavior:
Toddlers are keen observers, and they may mimic behaviors they witness in others around them, or even from shows or books. If they see conflict as a form of interaction, they might engage in similar actions. Limiting exposure to violence during screen time and reducing contact with people who display aggression frequently may be helpful.
5. Competition for Resources:
Toddlers are still learning to share, and the concept of possession can be intense for them. Fighting may arise when they perceive a threat to their toys, attention, or personal space. On the topic of sharing, you may find Janet Lansbury's podcast from the Unruffled series here useful.
6. Lack of Social Skills:
Developing social skills is an ongoing process for toddlers. They may not have learned effective ways to express themselves or resolve conflicts peacefully, leading to physical or verbal confrontations. Give it time and model the right behavior as much as possible – yes, that means that we don't raise our voices when we are hangry or upset!
7. Seeking Independence:
As toddlers strive for independence, they may resist sharing or cooperating with siblings. Picking fights can be a way for them to assert their autonomy.
8. Attention to Sensory Stimulation:
Toddlers may pick fights as a means of seeking sensory stimulation. The physical engagement and reactions from others can provide sensory feedback that is interesting and engaging for them. Children with a sensory-seeking tendency may seek additional proprioceptive input. They may express this by offering tight hugs or intentionally bumping into objects to experience physical contact and pressure. Try to provide sufficient opportunities for your child to fulfill their sensory needs through playful interaction.
9. Expressing Unmet Needs:
Toddlers may act out when they have unmet needs or are feeling tired, hungry, or unwell. Picking fights could be a way of communicating distress or discomfort. Try to resolve any underlying unmet needs and see if it helps them. Sometimes, a child's physical discomfort may be a chronic affair, such as ezcema, to which we have to try to be understanding yet firm as parents.
10. Exploration of Power Dynamics:
Toddlers are beginning to understand power dynamics within relationships. Picking fights can be a way for them to experiment with their influence and gauge reactions. Resist the urge to label or judge them and always handle their affairs with fairness and from a place of love. We find the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber on effective communication with children superb.
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As frustrating as it can be, fights between siblings (yes, even for twins, triplets or quads who are born on the same day) are inevitable. Understanding these reasons helps us parents and caregivers address the underlying issues. This way, appropriate guidance can be provided, fostering healthy sibling relationships and empowering them as they navigate this crucial stage of development. In the mean time, may you survive the episodes and stay sane.
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