Hello Nadzirah! Congratulations on expecting your fourth child :) Could you introduce yourself and your family to our readers?
We are a family of 5 living in Singapore, with one along the way. Our first two are boys and our third is a girl. They are all in primary school. Our family is very much involved in sports, we love to play it and discuss it. We sometimes joke that our house store is like a mini Decathlon, you can find any type of sporting equipment there!
As a family, we are pretty close-knit and we make it a point to have dinner together at home every night. This allows the children to share their day with us. We will set the table nicely (I am obsessed with table setting arrangements, and the kids know how to set a proper table haha) and dinner sometimes can be a 2-hour long affair. We are definitely enjoying the stage they are in, where each can sit and eat independently like little adults and through interactions with them, we can see their distinct personalities come through. It’s really quite entertaining.
How are you feeling about this pregnancy? Are there any moments that have stood out to you so far, either positively or maybe with a bit of anxiety?
Mostapha and I were apprehensive at first. With all three kids in primary school now, we thought we were past that baby stage. We questioned our ability to raise another child, who will undoubtedly be raised in a different generation from her siblings. Would it be responsible to bring another child into the world when we were stretched thin with our ability to give everyone equal amounts of attention. But what we learnt is that children are resilient and they’ll survive. And all these challenges and life experiences will shape their personality and it can only be for the better.
Thankfully with God’s grace, this pregnancy has been smooth sailing. Everyone’s excited about this new addition, and it has helped the kids become more empathetic.
Could you share a bit about your journey in deciding to have more kids? What made you and your partner decide to expand your family further?
It was a conscious decision that we wanted 3 kids. It’s a number we were comfortable with. It would be nice for our kids to have each other—an in-built circle of trust, where everyone has each other's back and is accountable to one another.
We knew that we wanted our family to be self-sufficient and to lean on each other’s strengths if it called for it. And in order to do that, we knew we needed a big enough family.
Parenting can be a rollercoaster of emotions. What are some of your thoughts as you prepare to welcome another child into your family? How are you managing them?
We knew that we needed to be very intentional with the way we spend our time with each child. We had to learn their different love languages. Mostapha and I also make it a point to spend individual time with each child and explain to them about the pregnancy and what will happen when the baby is born. We’ve also been very intentional with the amount of baby stuff we buy and when we buy it. We often explain our purchases and explain that it is a necessity that even they used, in order to negate any jealous feelings.
Juggling family and work is tough for many parents. Can you share with us your line of work and how do you keep that balance with a growing family?
Mostapha and I own a real estate company. We deal with real estate transactions and also refurbish old shophouses and buildings for sale. Our working hours are flexible and we try to weave in our kids’ schedules whenever possible.
We have a large whiteboard at home with the month’s schedule written and the kids can add in their schedules where they deem fit. We have never been a family that goes to malls, so taking them outdoors is our way of spending time outside of our home. We believe that doing nothing at home can also make you feel tired, so we might as well get some outdoor time during the day to tire them out. In short, whoever is not engaged with work that day will spend time with the kids.
Mostapha and I believe that throughout the year, there will be periods of time when we need to be focused on work, and we feel unapologetic about that. But of course there will be periods when we block out time for the family, and we will fully commit to that.
With three kids already, you must be quite the pro at this parenting thing! What lessons have you learned along the way that you think will help you as you prepare for baby number four?
Every child is different, so the way in which we parent should be different. Don’t overthink parenting, just go with simple common sense and trust your good old instinct when it comes to your child. Don’t have high expectations or “I’d never…” moments, as this limits our ability to explore different ways of thinking and parenting, and it keeps us from being humble. Also, babies need far less than we think they need. Same goes for kids too. They just need us to be present and give them sufficient attention.
We all need a little help sometimes! How do you rely on your support system to help you through the ups and downs of parenting? Do you have domestic help or hands on support from your parents, in-laws, etc?
We have domestic helpers, but they mostly do the housework. The kids and their school and schedules are handled by Mostapha and I. Our parents are elderly, so we rarely tap on them unless we both travel and then they will assist in overseeing the kids’ schedules.
As we need to be self-sufficient, Mostapha and I often have meetings before the day ends to plan out our next day.
This includes discussing particularly challenging parenting issues that may have cropped up during the day. This may be morbid, but we also have a doomsday plan. It details everything that needs to happen to continue our lifestyle should one of us pass on.
Every child is different, and it can be a challenge to make sure everyone feels loved and heard. How do you ensure each of your kids gets the attention they need in your busy household?
Each child has their different love language and we learnt from early on that it makes them feel good when we communicate in their love language. The kids’ schedules are being taken care of by Mostapha and I, so we know when a child is free for the afternoon. We will ensure at least a parent is available to spend time with the child at home or doing an outdoor activity of their choice.
Since our work is flexible, sometimes we’ll bring the free child along with us to work and we believe nothing teaches a child more than seeing their parents working. We especially love such moments, because on the way back in the car, we’ll just reflect on what they may have learnt from watching us.
Mostapha and I once came across this quote: "One day your children will figure out who you are." And we just hope that they’ll love what they will eventually figure out.
Looking back, can you tell us about a particularly challenging period in your parenting journey and how you navigated through it?
Having our first child and feeling like we were stabbing in the dark with his milestones and needs. The feeling of utter loss at what to do, often asking for advice and they were so conflicting! We learnt a new fear everyday and it was exhausting. Honestly, even to this day, we always feel like we are growing up along with our first child. His firsts are our firsts. But we learnt to give ourselves grace and that as long as we shower our kids with love and respect, things will turn out alright.
Lastly, how does your spouse/partner get involved in parenting and supporting the family? How do you both manage to synchronise your efforts and maintain a strong partnership amidst the chaos of family life?
I think with any working relationship, there has to be set roles. Between the two of us, I am the default parent. But we are quite clear that if one of us is busy, the other has to pick up the slack. This applies to ad hoc scheduling of work and kids. In terms of day-to-day operations, I manage the household, the administration of the company and kid-specific scheduling.
Mostapha thinks big picture for our family and company growth and family bonding time schedules. We consult each other when major decisions with regards to business and kids need to be made. We both have veto rights but we try to do it with grace.
Lastly, we emphasise early nights in our household. By 8.30pm, it’s mostly lights out for our home. Everyone has the same routine before bed and we have a strict no-knock policy where the kids understand that they need to honour their parents’ grown up time.
Any words for newly formed couples who are thinking of having children, or parents who may be exploring having a large family?
Scheduling is key if a large family is involved. Both parents need to be present mentally, as sometimes because of work, parents may not be present physically. But being mentally present ensures kids’ lives are planned well, even if the daily operations are being carried out by a grandparent or domestic helper.
Have fun with it! Embrace the chaos and expect your lives to change. It is the most rewarding job in the world, when you see your children thrive and interact with each other.
Surround yourself with folks who empower you and your parenting decisions. Fill your mind with uplifting thoughts and guard your positive self-belief with your life.
Lastly, don’t overthink it! No one truly knows what they are doing, so what you think is right, probably is.
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Thank you for sharing your story with us, Nadzirah. Here's wishing her a peaceful third trimester filled with serenity as she awaits the arrival of her newest blessing. To parents out there who are thinking of expanding their family, we hope this article benefits you.
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