In today's Spotlight sharing, we are thrilled to introduce you to a family in Singapore with Irish twins! Dr. Kim Lian Rolles-Abraham and her husband Dr. Abishek Mathew Abraham are parents to three beautiful girls, with a pair of Irish twins in the mix.
Unfamiliar with Irish twins? Well, contrary to what the name suggests, they are not actual twins born in the same pregnancy. This phrase, although less prevalent today than in the past, typically refers to siblings born to the same mother within a span of 12 months (or even up to 18 months apart by some definitions). Rooted in cultural usage rather than a biological classification, it reflects a stereotype or perception of Irish families having multiple children spaced closely together due to cultural or religious reasons. Most parents of Irish twins today embrace the challenge and closeness that comes with having children born close together in age.
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Hello Kim! Thank you for taking time out for this interview despite your busy schedule. Can you give us a quick introduction about yourself and your family?
Hi everyone! I’m Kim, and my husband is Abishek. He is a psychiatrist and I am a clinical psychologist! We both work in the same clinic at Better Life Clinic, but I have a more flexible schedule as most days are half-days for me. He enjoys watching soccer, reading soccer news, and brushing up on the languages he is learning on the Duolingo app. I love running and reading!
As for our family…
Never in our wildest dreams as a couple would we have thought we would be using the phrase ‘Three under 3!’
This is because four years into our marriage, we realised we could not naturally conceive a baby. After undergoing various tests and one failed round of IUI, we decided to embark on our IVF journey - which in itself was a real rollercoaster ride – yielding just ONE viable embryo, which turned out to be our firstborn, Aria Beth. From being told our one and only embryo was “below average quality” (only to find out its quality dropped further after the thawing process), to having three kids come in such quick succession, all I can say is, it is indeed a miracle!
Three months after Aria Beth was born, I took a pregnancy test and found out we were pregnant again. Heidi Jaine then came along exactly eleven months after Aria was born – Aria’s 1st birthday party was Heidi’s 1-month celebration, how bizarre. Katie Joy then came along exactly twenty-two months after that.
Today, Aria is 7, followed by Heidi who is 6. Our youngest girl, Katie Joy, is 4.
The older two girls are 11 months apart exactly, and the second and third are 22 months apart exactly – why I say exactly is because their birthdates are 21/06/17, 21/05/18, and 21/03/20 – yes, all born on the 21st, all totally unplanned via emergency c-sections!)
Our second-born Heidi was born prematurely at 35 weeks at 2.0kg and in NICU for 1 week, while our youngest girl, Katie, was born at 33 weeks at 1.5kg and was in NICU for 1 month. As my second pregnancy happened too quickly after first, my first c-section wound never healed properly before it had to be re-opened. As a result, the scar tissue was way too thin, and I could not keep the subsequent babies in long enough. They had to be taken out early to prevent scar tissue rupture.
In terms of conception, our firstborn was a result of IVF. Hence, we did not expect to conceive naturally so quickly after. Our youngest girl was also conceived naturally.
Can you walk us through a typical day in your life during the weekday versus the weekend?
We survive the day with live-in helpers who manage the kids during the daytime. Whenever we are at home, we fully take on the caregiving of the kids, especially after evening time.
When the kids were younger (3 under 3), we survived by co-sleeping – having one huge mattress on the floor, and all 5 of us would sleep together – this helped everyone get more sleep. If the kids fussed, we could just pat them back to sleep right there and then instead of having to walk over to another room or bed to do that.
Now that the kids are a bit older, they each sleep in their own single bed in the same room. We put them to bed and then head back to our own room to sleep in our own bed, something that has only happened very recently. We are big on managing bedtimes ourselves. This is also to give our helpers a break from 7:00 PM onwards as they help us out a lot during the day.
How do you balance taking care of your children and finding time for yourself? Do you have a support system in place, and if so, what does it look like?
We are blessed to have 2 very reliable live-in helpers who are great with the kids. When we are both at work, we know their needs are taken care of. Additionally, their grandparents occasionally help with sending them to and from school and extracurricular classes. Close friends try to carpool and take our kids to and from home for classes, while their gymnastics coach picks them up for class! In this sense, we are extremely blessed to be surrounded by so much willing help.
In terms of finding time for myself, I am a runner and enjoy getting outside for a good run. As my runs got longer, I realised that it took more time away from the family/being at home. To get my runs in and still be present for the family, I either run early in the morning while the kids are still asleep or go in the afternoons/evenings when they are at extracurricular classes.
Occasionally, I go late at night when they are asleep. I find that waking at 4:30 AM on the days I go for long runs works best, as I can get back by 6:30 AM to wake my eldest for school and walk her to her primary school. When I get back, my younger two girls will get ready for Montessori, and I can be present to sit down for breakfast with them and say goodbye to them before Abishek takes them to school.
How do your children interact with each other, especially the Irish twins? Do you notice any unique bond or rivalry between them?
Our children get along relatively well. They can be competitive with each other, and argue, fight, complain, and tell on each other at times. The Irish twins couldn’t be more different from each other! #1 has brown hair and grey eyes, #2 has black hair and brown eyes. #1 is calm, responsible, diplomatic, shy, thoughtful; the classic “first child”. #2 is loud, spunky, extroverted, pushes boundaries; the classic “middle child”. Hence, their interests are quite different, and they don’t often fight for the same things.
The two younger girls are closer in terms of interests and tend to have more of a sibling rivalry going on. They are both the more outgoing, extroverted of the lot and can make conversation with almost anyone. They both engage in a lot of pretend play together, while my eldest gravitates towards solo activity.
What would you consider to be the most challenging period by far, and how so?
One stressful period was when I was pregnant with my youngest girl, Katie, and still had to look after the older two. My third pregnancy was the most challenging out of the three as there were various physical health challenges, along with the risk of my old c-section scar rupturing. Needless to say, being mindful of the precarious nature of the pregnancy whilst running around after the other 2 was trying.
As I was often away at the hospital, it was also a challenging time in terms of maintaining a bond with #1 and #2 – I recall moments where I felt that #1 and #2 tended not to gravitate towards me but rather, other caregiving figures, as I had been so preoccupied with the 3rd pregnancy.
The Covid-19 lockdown (AKA ‘circuit breaker’) was extremely tough for us. We had 3 under 3 then, while living in a multi-generational household. Ensuring that the kids were well entertained for hours on end and yet not too loud for the rest of the household was a challenge.
What strategies do you use to manage your time effectively, especially when it comes to juggling all your various roles and responsibilities?
I multitask whenever I can. If the kids want to go out, I take them out to a place where I can also run an errand. If the kids want to play with me in the vicinity, I take my laptop down to the living area where I can send emails and still engage with them. To give them some sunshine and get my groceries done, we walk to the nearby supermarket. It is all about multitasking. I also try to getting things done while the kids are either asleep or in school as much as possible so that when they are free, I can be both physically and mentally present for them.
How do you take care of your own mental health amidst the demands of raising three young children?
I take breaks from the kids. I get out of the house and go for long runs to keep my sanity. I also make sure I carve out time for coffee/meals with good friends – sometimes you just need to have some adult conversation after contending with pretend-play, tantrums, and being asked to read the same book a gazillion times. I nap when I can, too, to make up for the sleep deprivation (especially when the kids were much younger and their sleep was very disrupted).
How do you and your husband share responsibilities and roles in taking care of the children and managing the household?
First off, we recognise and identify our strengths and weaknesses; this helps in defining roles for each party. My husband, Abishek, is in charge of finances, healthcare, insurance policies and logistics/driving. I handle all things related to school, extracurricular classes, play dates and birthday parties. I also ensure that the garden is pruned, and the air-cons are serviced.
We do bedtime routines together. If a kid wakes up in the middle of the night, though, he’s in charge of that!
We realised early on that due to his training as a doctor, he is used to going to sleep, getting up to do something, and then being able to go back to sleep again right after. Whereas I, on the other hand, find it difficult to go back to sleep after being awoken. Hence, he has graciously agreed to take night duty since day 1, for all 3 girls!
That being said, we both help out where we can and step in for the other party when needed. For instance, we have just started travelling separately for work. Whoever is in Singapore will take over everything during that time. As the kids get bigger, it really gets easier.
Wow, kudos to Abishek for taking all the night shifts since day 1. Any particularly memorable incident that comes to mind in your parenting journey so far?
This might seem funny to look back on now, but when we were neck-deep in it, it was really quite horrendous. A few years ago, all 5 of us had a bad bout of GE (gastroenteritis) - all of us were vomiting and having diarrhoea throughout the night. We all slept on a huge mattress on the floor together, and had to change bedsheets, pillow covers, etc. At one point, we just stopped changing the bed sheets because it became an endless cycle. I remember us just looking for portions of clean bedsheet to put a kid on to sleep for the night. We got through that! We look back on that as something we were able to get through, so most spates of illnesses these days are “not that bad”.
Another tough time was when our third baby, Katie Joy, was born at 33 weeks and at 1.5kg. She was in the NICU for a month, and we were definitely worried about her health and development. Thankfully, she is doing well now.
What's one thing you wish people understood about having children so close in age?
You cannot do EVERYTHING together, and you’ve got to make an effort to develop a separate relationship with each child.
It is often tempting to do all activities together as they are so close in age. But really, they are unique individuals and all crave for exclusive time with parents.
I’ve found that while we can do many things together, it is necessary to have one-to-one dates with each child – it really fills up their love tank and gets you connected to each child in a special way. The girls may not always say what is close to their heart in a group setting, and I’ve found that taking them out individually brings me closer to each of them and allows them to be vulnerable and candid, in a way they cannot when they are around their sisters.
What advice would you give to other parents who are expecting or have children very close in age? What do you wish you had known before having your children?
It is a bit of a 先苦后甜 xian ku hou tian situation (enduring the bitterness before tasting sweetness) – the early years are tough; the nappies, the milk, the crying, the tantrums, the poor sleep, the sheer exhaustion.
When you get through the hurdle of the acutely painful early years, it gets better. In fact, it is great. In one fell swoop, I was done – done with the baby stage, done with bodily and hormonal changes, done with the “difficult” (but also very cute) years.
Being so close in age means that they will likely share similar interests – they listen to the same songs, play with the same toys, the TV can remain on the same channel, and we can take them to the same places without worry that one kid will be bored or unhappy. So, I would say it is great. Look forward to the time when you will be able to say, "It was worth it!"
One thing I would caution – don’t compare them. Being close in age sometimes means that they hit milestones around the same time, so it is easier to remember if/when one kid has done something and another hasn’t. They may be close in age, but they are still unique human beings. It is likely that they will also look to one another as benchmarks, and start to develop competitive behaviours/ideations, so this is something to look out for.
What helps is getting each of them to develop unique strengths and to have something to call their own – for example, with our middle child, she expressed interest in dance and so signing her up for that allowed her to have something special, something to call her own, an area in which she could stand out from her sisters and experience that sense of mastery.
Actually, I don’t think I would wish to have known anything more (other than the fact that kids are so expensive, but I think I somewhat knew that already and was in partial denial) before having children – some things are meant to be kept as surprises, the novelty of parenting is also what keeps it fun. We never got through more than 2 pages of any parenting guidebook.
We have some basic principles we abide by, such as putting God and love at the centre of all our decisions, and the rest we figure out as we go along. Mistakes are part and parcel of the parenting journey; we learn the most when we make mistakes and grow as a family – we laugh about them, too! Being a parent to multiples is about discovering the strengths you never knew you had, and coming face to face with fears you never knew existed. Embrace them!
Lastly, 5 quick-fire questions… (to be answered without much deliberation!):
Your go-to when you need to serve a quick meal for the kids would be…
Order pasta or pizza!
One item you can’t live without as a parent of three little ones…
WET WIPES!!
Your favourite place to be at as a family…
Either at home, or a good café with run-around/scootering space
Your number one parenting hack/tip is…
As far as possible, all classes, schools etc. to be within walking distance of the home or try to arrange for the tutor to come over – saves travel time and prevents logistical nightmare. Also, when you travel, push the beds together to make one huge bed – parents at the edges so kids don’t fall off!
Our family’s personal best timing for leaving the house is…
If it is up to me, we can leave in 5 mins. If it's my husband……… forget it!
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Thank you, Dr. Kim and Dr. Abishek, for candidly sharing your parenting journey with us. Your insights will surely resonate with families facing similar challenges, offering invaluable perspectives on raising children.
Wish to be featured or have any tips to share with our parenting community here in Singapore? Drop us a note here!
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